Mecontentement....(2)

Sorry this has taken a while. The world has been kind and I’ve found myself in a Zen-like state, which is not conducive to ranting.

1. Unnecessary competition. It is ok to compete for things in this life; in fact, the rule of nature encourages it. What I find intensely annoying is when people make you their competition though you are unwilling to take part in their game (it being beneath you, and all). For example, the girl that always buys the same pair of shoes as you do, or that loves to take you shopping so you can buy everything in twos, and she’ll ‘wire the money to you later’. Seriously woman, how’s about you find your own identity?! This one’s taken!

2. Needy people. For Pete’s sake (who is this Pete character anyway?!)...grow a pair! There’s always that person that seems unable to find themselves, or handle anything in their life. Instead of ‘leaning on you as friend’, they take the smothering route, dumping even the most trivial problems on you, and even getting a little angry when you fail to acknowledge and resolve their issues. These are the very same people that take the dramatic route in life, looking for any reason to fight because somehow drama makes them seem more interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I like being there for my friends and family, just as they are for me. But when it comes to complaints about ‘this shop’ or ‘that person said’...I really have no time. Please my dear friend, go buy yourself a tougher upbringing and a sense of self worth. And stop watching Days of Our Lives (like sands through the hourglass... he he he, sort of miss the theme tune).

3. Tardiness. Being late is not so much a character trait as it is a flaw. You are allowed to be late if you got hit by a bus, or like Jack Bauer, were busy saving the world and American people from destruction. If you are late because you think it’s cool, or because you were playing computer games, do kindly throw yourself in front of that bus. I am a firm believer in the two minute rule: arrive two minutes early, wait till the scheduled meeting time, and promptly leave two minutes after (idiots don’t get a 5 minute grace period. Only 4). This helps you decide which of your acquaintances are worth the time. If you are going to be late, please let me know. I might be annoyed, but at least I will do something useful with myself (ha ha...get it?!) in that time. And girls, ‘hair emergency’ does not count as a valid excuse. If you’ve got bad hair, start getting ready 2 hours earlier.

4. Automated phone voices. If ever there was an invention to be banned on grounds of causing temporary insanity, it should be the automated woman/thing/person that picks up the phone at call centres. The lady who answers telephone banking calls and gives you your bank balance on demand is ok, but the one who tells you that ‘I’m sorry the phone lines are busy, an operator will be you as soon as one is available’ is just a bitch. Surely the traditional ‘beep beep’ tone means the same thing?! All her voice achieves is making one very angry, especially when the same bad music is played over and over again, so much so that when the operator finally picks up the phone, you find yourself spewing insults and demanding an immediate solution to your problem. Even though you know that the person on the other end is a 16 year old with a sheet of stereotypic answers in front of them.

5. Cold/badly made tea. Yes, I have become English, which means I am exceedingly pretentious about my tea. And wine. So please, refrain from offering either unless you know you’ve got really good wine, or make really good tea. If you must offer a beverage, then please provide hot water, cold milk and tea bags as separate entities (with sugar on the side, though only a true African will have 6 spoonfuls in a tiny cup) and smile politely. You may also feel free to announce: ‘No butlers. Please feel at home and help yourself’. Problem solved.

Oh dear, I feel a can of worms has been opened here, and more and more things are starting to annoy me...so it probably time to stop. But before I do...

6. Phone snobbery. This is particularly annoying, especially because I have become one of those people that I hate. You know the ones who send emails from their phone so it says ‘sent from my iPhone/blackberry/android’. It is all a load of crap. Apparently we could all easily take that signature off our email settings/facebook updates, but choose not to. I mean, how else will everyone know what conformists we are?! 

*shuts her copy of Animal Farm and puts it back on the shelf, chanting, 'four legs good, two legs better' *