Yours, Cowardly but Loving.

I always thought of myself as being anti-feminism, but I realised that was all bullshit. I am definitely pro-feminism, I like the fact that I have the opportunities to do all the things that boys can, opportunities that were probably much harder for my mum to come by (been following Egypt online- respect). I guess I had the misguided view that feminism was about opening your own doors and always going Dutch on bills, but it’s not. So I am happy to be thought of as a feminist, as long as it doesn’t rob men of the chance to be chivalrous J (*hides from the incoming torrent of abuse*...you do know what I mean though?!)

In other news, I ended ‘potential things’ with 458. Yes, yes, I hear you: how does one end potential things?! 458 and I were talking a lot, and I guess there was always a ‘possibility’ that something might happen, at least in his mind. I decided to stop that, before something went horribly wrong. These Ferraris did have a habit of bursting into flames after all. In fact, it was imperative for me to end it, because 458 almost said the ‘L’ word on Saturday night, and once that is said, things get complicated.

Which brings me on to what was/is bugging me: do any girls ever say ‘I love you’ first? I don’t know, I’ve always wanted to, but I haven’t said it that often in my life to have had the chance to say it first. I asked a few of my girl friends, and for supposedly modern women, we are terrible conformists. There was a cacophony of incredulity at the suggestion that it was ok for girls to say it first. One of my friends interjected with:

‘What if he doesn’t say it back? Huh? What then? You might have to end things with him, you know’.

This scared me. First of all, why the hell didn’t I know that relationships were always all or nothing?! Crap. Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing wrong. I always assumed that a man that loved you would say it back if you said it first and if not, he might need more time to work on the deeper emotion thing, but at least he’d be genuine.

I then, in my ignorance, asked the next obvious question: What if you do genuinely love him?

Angry women: That’s beside the point! He’ll know you love him, and he’ll use you.

The girls seemed to be in agreement. It is a man’s prerogative to say it first, because apparently, this emotion thing is completely beyond men, so if he says it first it’s got to be true. I literally laughed out loud. Bullshit, or um, bullshit?! Surely if a guy was going to play your ass for a fool, he’d say exactly what you wanted to hear, whether or not he said it first?! If we are stupid enough to think that men don’t know what women want to hear, we’ve got it coming to us. He’ll play the game, say ‘I love you’, use you and to put it in Kenyan-speak, ‘bust a move’. It didn’t sound like a foolproof way to determine what a guy was really feeling, or a reason not to be honest in a relationship. In fact, it sounded like a badly played game of entrapment. Maybe I need new friends.

Girls are cowards. At least, I am. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of feeling scorned if the boy doesn’t say it back, but truth is I wouldn’t love him any less. I am also scared that a guy could take advantage of me, but I don’t think who said what first would change that. Men are not that emotionally dense. My theory is he doesn’t say I love you because he REALLY DOESN’T LOVE YOU, which is tough shit, but its ok. If you feel too embarrassed to remain in the relationship, you probably didn’t really love him. The proffered reasons don’t dissuade me from saying it first; now if I could just get over myself and feel strongly enough for someone to mean it and say it.

Herein ends my happy thoughts for Valentine’s (Dashing-of-Piped-Dreams) Day. Go procreate like the rabbits we all want to be.

Yours,

Cowardly, but Loving.

PS. HD told me that he’s going to start a support group for people dumped by me, and call it DbB...Dumped by BWTB. Ouch.