False advertising.

#4 had been silent, as in, deathly silent. Therefore, I was annoyed, and being the stubborn person that I am, I was not going to check to see if his heart was still breathing (or whatever it is that stupid organ does, besides getting broke). As in, he seriously didn’t call. Which is fair enough given we are not in a relationship or anything and therefore there was never any reason for him to call. But still. A girl feels a little lonely. So I did what any girl would do in this situation: I decided I would get my eyebrows shaped, get a bikini (and upper lip) wax, do my nails, and even stock up on the ‘make-my-skin-look-nice’ stuff. Yes, some casual false advertising; I mean, my skin is mostly even and I am a bit of a yellow-yellow (Kenyan for light skinned, so the foundation has little to do with it), but the depilation might suggest I had just exited my mother’s womb - a little untrue. The aim of this exercise was to attract some much needed male attention at a party I was going to, give my number to someone, and have a coffee/drinks date for the next few weeks to look forward to, because exams and being ignored can make a girl go a little crazy. 

But alas! My plans were thwarted. By a chavy 21-year old with an Essex complex (pardon the snobbery, but she looked like a wannabe Katie Price, you know the kind that are wearing too much fake tan, white denim shorts in winter, and pink heels – Bleeugh!). She started to tweeze my eyebrows après lip wax, and completely destroyed them. Now I looked a little like Cruella D’eville’s previously unknown sister, with a slight, but definite surprised-botox-like look (*perhaps a slight exaggeration). This complicated date night; it was now going to have to be about impressing people with my charm, and legs, and good conversation. Thank heavens for my dimple and high cheek bones, my not-so-secret secret weapons.

And just like that, I realised that all girls are predictable. In fact, probably all human beings are predictable. We all engage in a little false advertising, everyday. We look for flaws to hide, goodies to accentuate, hoping to blind people to the faults we possess. Common situations include:

Work/school: This is where you talk really loudly in the ONLY section of the meeting you understand, hoping no one will catch onto the fact that you don’t know the rest of the stuff you were supposed to have researched. Or more simply, lie on your CV! *false advertising*

Relationships: We all try to conform to the person we think our significant other will love, and more often than not, strive for unrealistic perfection. Every so often though, our neuroses catch up with us, and you start arguments with “the text I found on your phone....” *false advertising*. Ps I am all for embracing the craziness, you might get the help you need earlier if people can see that you’re loco.

Parents: When mum asks you where you were, and you’re story starts “After uni today, I went to BWTB’s house to read, but she couldn’t drop me home so we had to wait until BWTB’s anonymous friend came, and it was late so we got food on the way, and her friend’s friend followed us so we were safe...” *false advertising*

So my plan for this week is to cut down on the false advertising. I will not wear any make-up, and I will sport my crazy eyebrows with pride, and a painful reminder of a lesson learned. Oh, also date night was fun, I did meet a boy, I didn’t give him my number though and we’ll probably never see each other again, but I restored some of my self-confidence. And #4, fuck off. Until you call me.