Nothingness

Does anyone on this earth truly know who he/she is, in the philosophical sense of the term? Specifically, anyone under half a century old (my parents were never afflicted with this kind of angst, given their generation lived through world wars, coups, famine, and hardship)? This whole search of an identity feels a bit like a lost cause. There are few people, none of whom I know, that say ‘I know who I am, and I am content in that knowledge’. Most of us are searching for something that resonates within us as ‘our inner persons’, but the problem is we often find it just in time for it or us to change. Even Paulo Coehlo (#t) seems to be searching.

But surely that must be ok? I mean, not really knowing who you are- it can’t be that bad, can it?! It often feels like an exercise in futility; all about the chase but the destination doesn’t really happen, what on earth is the point?! I don’t know, but boys swear by this strategy when pursuing girls, so perhaps there is something to be said for being in pursuit. Hell, they made a movie about it. So we are all searching for who we think we are, a forever moving goal post, but we all revel in the chase, and it appears that that is ok. What’s the alternative? Well, I suppose it would be not knowing who you are, and not giving a flying chicken’s arse. You know those people, the ones that stand for nothing and therefore fall for everything. Even when nothing moves, they chase it and fall for it.

Case in point: BMX. BMX and I have been acquainted for many years. She spent her time not trying to be anyone in particular, so each time a boy told her to breathe differently, she would immediately cease her usual one breath every five seconds, and genuinely attempt to hold her breath for the stipulated amount of time. Of course she would never be able to, and so this would force her to go out and cry like the world was about to end, pour gin down her throat, and then spend the rest of the time on the toilet, throwing up and peeing in equal measure, while sobbing down the phone to me. I often fell asleep on the other end, but I doubt she ever noticed. Oh well. We lost contact when BMX became a stripper because a friend told her to; it would be a good way to make money that she didn’t need. She may be told to kill me and would think ‘hell yeah’ so... *DELETE*

The worst kind though, is the group that hurts others while falling for ‘nothingness’. My friend asked me to share her story, and today seems like an apt day to do so. She was dating a nice boy, you know, the kind that fitted the ideal oh so well for 9 years, the rest of us were more than a little jealous. Apparently, he was simply doing what he thought she wanted him to do. He then found someone else that wanted a wild party boy who would turn up to any and every occasion drunk; work, family gatherings, social events, hospital appointments etc. He went and paid for a seat at all the bars he could find to ensure he was ‘drunk to the max’. She wanted him to disappear from his mother’s house (while still a tenant there) without a thought to her emotional well being and so he did, for a week. When she eventually demanded he disown his unborn child that my friend was carrying, he fell for nothingness. Such people.

So I’ve now decided what I want from the people in my life. I don’t want people who fall for nothingness. I want people who desire to ‘know themselves’ (not in a FB status kinda way though, because thou shalt be deleted/blocked/unfriended), who make decisions based on what they believe, not on what every Tom, Dick and Fuckery tells them. I would rather you upset me because you disagree with me, but the fact that you are trying to stand for something, reassures me that you won’t be falling for anything and everything. #Msimamo