My friend was having a fight with her now ex man friend (no, not a Rottweiler). She had outlined a rather complex argument and the guy’s only response was ‘Touche’. She sent me that text message and I burst out laughing. She was seething down the phone and I could feel her anger, though I’m a few thousand miles away. I don’t know what he expected would happen, but ‘touche’ was not a good way to get laid. It did make me think of a few of the worst statements I’ve heard over my relatively short life, so I thought I’d share...please feel free to add your own in your comments!
Every guy has at some point been asked, ‘do I look fat in this?’ Everyone knows it’s a devilish question to ask. Even when girls ask it, we know it’ll do no good. What we really meant to say was, ‘I really like this dress, please say you like it too’, but it came out wrong. You don’t need experience to learn that the automatic answer is ‘no’ with no hesitation, no addendums to the opinion, no comparisons (DSTV advert with chopsticks and pasta). At least I thought you didn’t. In my second year of uni, I shared a floor with one couple that I was quite good friends with. One night I had a pan being thrown against the kitchen door, and fearing for my life, I grabbed my favourite handbag, a pair of shoes and my phone, and then peered into the kitchen. All I heard was ‘f***ing think she looks better than me in it huh?’, and saw the boy walk out, shaking his head in desperation. Three days later, I asked what happened. Apparently the girl had asked him if he liked a dress she’d bought, and his reply was that her friend probably looked better than her in it.
Married people that are intent on cheating often come out with classic lines. I went on a date with a guy who was married, but thought he could hide it (not sure how, given he got my digits from my cousin, but whatever). He was running late and said he’d be about 40 min to the rendez-vous. When he got there I was a little curious as to where ‘home’ was; few places in Nairobi are 40 minutes away on a lazy Sunday afternoon with no traffic. His reply was ‘We live in Nini’. I naturally asked who ‘we’ was, at which point he skilfully pulled out a wedding ring and put it on, hoping I wouldn’t notice. ‘Oh did I forget to mention I was married?’ Did I forget to mention?! As in?! Just wear the damn ring and throw down vibes. If I swing like that then problem solved. If not, on to the next one...
In fact, anyone caught cheating is usually in a lot of trouble. Such moments often bring out the incredible lying abilities of the human race, and catching them in the act apparently makes for good entertainment. I did meet one guy who was completely unfazed. He was accosted by his two ‘supposed’ girlfriends in the parking lot of a club, and asked who his REAL girlfriend was. He looked at them both as if weighing up his options, and came out with ‘be easy’, and walked off. While I was particularly impressed with his ability to remain calm under pressure, I wanted to point out that people have died for less.
Women quite often go through craziness when we are falling for a man. Blame the oestrogen, oxytocin, whatever. It takes a lot of effort to rein in the madness, effort that is usually enhanced by previous experience of what ‘crazy’ does to a budding relationship. I have been a victim of this, though I was only 16. I have seen people afflicted with it in more recent times though. My brother had been dating this girl for a few months when one day she told him that their wedding should really be in summer so she can wear a sleeveless dress. He ran. In fact, he fled. He fled like he’d just killed a man. *Mama, I just killed a man...put a gun against his head...* She is now referred to as ‘that crazy mama...’ in conversation. Women, keep your hormones in check. Please.
A guy’s possibly least favourite thing to hear with a lady friend he’s just getting to know and like is ‘when I used to be a man...’ Eh. No. Just No. I don’t know if I would react as badly to ‘when I used to be a woman...’ Food for thought. Everyone says telling a guy ‘you’re like my brother’ is bad but I feel that any determined man should take this as incentive to stop acting brother-like, and start acting lover-like. If a guy is likely to take a wife (i.e. straight) however, admitting you used to be a man will significantly impair his capacity to perform. It’s like telling a girl that ‘you’re sister was much better than you’ when you’re both horizontally inclined (at least it used to- girls these days seem to be a lot more tolerant).
I was once told that ‘you’re so amazing that I should set you up with one of my friends’. The full weight of this statement dawned on me 2 months’ later, and I’ve been angry about it for the last 5 years! There’s something to be said for clichés, you know, the ‘it’s me, not you’ lines. They allow room for restoration of one’s self-confidence and shifting of blame, key ingredients when trying to move on from being dumped. When someone tells you that he’ll pimp you out however, it’s a straight-up insult; it’s ‘I think you’re easy and desperate’, all in one. Of course, this line was delivered with a smile and a glass of honeyed Brandy, but my friends will attest to the magnitude of scar this sugar-coated dart left (I can still bitch about it before the proverbial dropped hat reaches the ground).
LOVE that DSTV ad.
ReplyDeleteDied for less indeed! LOL.
Wedding???? *gags* *not the goodgood kind*
Tolerant, whorish, um? I don't judge. :o)
Ok that last one...I say that all the time...I mean if you're not attracted to the amazing person, someone else should have the pleasure of their company. Maybe he had a girlfriend. Yes? No? *runs and hides*