Hairless solutions.

The sun is slowly inching out, and as such, I was doing a little personal research this weekend re: bikini waxes. First of all, in case you didn’t know, the world of wax is as tricky as they come. You must choose the right style. You know, like when you go to the barber and ask for a ‘short back and sides’ or a ‘fade’ or ‘kipara shine’ (i.e. take it all off...everything- aim for baby bottom smoothness). The options range from a regular wax, which may be large, medium or small (i.e. the standard one). Then there’s a French wax, which is a modified regular wax, where they remove a little more hair from the top (of your imaginary Y fronts). We all know about the Brazilian, though few of us from personal experience, where they take off everything and head a little (actually a lot) further back. Then there’s a landing strip, which I imagine is just that.

So is there any etiquette for bikini waxes? A quick Google search didn’t so much as prescribe etiquette as suggest a few helpful tips. For example, shave 3 weeks before so the hair is exactly the right length, because apparently, there is a wrong length for these things, including too short (the mind boggles). Another website suggested one should exfoliate the area before and after. I initially disagreed with this on account of the cost of my exfoliant, but it’s supposed to help with in-grown hairs, which I imagine are far more painful. These suggestions were helpful, but I didn’t feel they answered the right questions. So here’s my very brief list of tips before you go for a wax, some of which should be natural, but nothing wrong with a gentle reminder. Add yours down below...:-D

• Shower before your wax. No explanation needed. If you have thrush, cancel the appointment. A sick imaginery pet will do for excuses.
• When is the right time to wax? I would suggest not doing it the morning of an important meeting, especially if you’re a waxing newbie, because it IS painful, numbing cream or not, and you will walk like someone forget their stick up your arse. Weekends are ideal as you can take your bruised nether regions straight into a relieving bath. Avoid times of the month where you cry because someone left a wet towel on the floor. The wax is extra-painful, and may drive you to jump off a roof. #justsaying #PMS
• What underwear depends on your desired style: if you favour le Brazilian, or landing strips, wear a thong. For all else, wear sensible panties that you can grab and pull across. Don’t borrow your younger, slimmer sister’s pair (which doesn’t quite fit) because it’s a nicer colour. You will end up butt naked wearing a faux nappy. You can also leave the lace in its drawer because you are not trying to ‘pull’ your beautician, and the wax gets very sticky.
• Take up yoga. The wax position mimics tree pose, and if you’re good at that, your beautician will appreciate the easy access.
• When you have planted the roots and branches of your tree (i.e. spread your legs), feel free to ask about the depilating practices of your beautician. After all, you’re in a position where that topic is no longer off limits, and they often have useful tips.
• Always say you’re getting a wax because of your upcoming beach holiday. You may be lying but if you haven’t waxed for 10 years, it is a plausible reason. And anyway, the art of small talk is littered with little white lies like ‘How are you?’ ‘Fine, great, awesome. You?’
• If you would like a message such as ‘I love you my puppy sweetheart sweet pea’ written in your nether regions, don’t get a wax. Pay for a shrink instead. That goes for people wanting wands, stars and butterflies too.
• It usually takes 5-7 minutes unless you’re positively agrarian down below, or your waxist (yes, I made that up) is rubbish, so that’s how much conversation you need to plan for!

Off on holiday for a couple of weeks, Easter, repentance, people...all that jazz.

Happy holidays! x