Life is too damn short.

What in this world can prepare you for death? I mean, what difference would it make if someone told you that you would die in the next 45 minutes?

It’s September 11^th, a day that holds a lot of memories, most of them traumatic, for a great deal of people. 10 years ago, tragedy hit New York and suddenly, people questioned the value of human life, questioned each other’s belief in the sanctity of breath, and became doubtful of anyone that bore any slight difference to themselves. A decade later, and here we are, with people in worlds far afield, still paying the price for an intangible immeasurable threat, a testament to the greatest loss of all, a tolerant society and the value of human life. But that’s a rant for another day.

Today I’m sad because someone close to me died. It’s all fuckery when someone tells you that you’ll have time to prepare for death. Hell, it’s all fuckery when I say it to my patients that are facing the end of their lives. Do I believe it? Well I’ve known my cousin was dying for 3 years, and yet every time I saw her, she looked better than the last. So I never once said goodbye, never acknowledged that I might be away and she might die, and I might never hold her once more. The warning was there, and yet, it’s not natural to prepare to deal with loss.

My mum said her kids seem to be doing fine. But she’s from a stoic generation, where emotions had their place, which was most definitely not public. I don’t know how they feel, but given that I had a much better understanding of her illness (from an emotionally detached place) and yet could not feel prepared and don’t feel fine, I’m inclined to think that is not the case.

Nothing prepares you for death. Even watching someone dying, over weeks and months, nothing prepares you for that moment of loss. Nothing prepares you for the fact that you will cry in the middle of the street when a memory comes back to you. Nothing prepares you to face not saying goodbye. Nothing. 

R.I.P. R.