Sugar, Spice...Maybe, Baby?

I realised my tolerance for pet names is very limited. I received a text yesterday that only said ‘baby’. Obviously, a few things troubled me about this message.

First of all, I am not on ‘baby’ terms with this person. I am not sure what his defunct assumption was, but he had made a gross miscalculation. Anyone on pet name terms with me will know that as the youngest and only female child of my parents, my ENTIRE FAMILY still calls me ‘baby’. As a result, I have never found this term endearing in other settings. Never. Also, when you’ve previously called me ‘sweetheart, hun, angel, babe, wardrobe, shoe’ and I have not responded in kind, it means I feel nothing. Apparently, he had mistaken this passive aggression in the past as ‘shy but receptive of his advances’. Yes, he suffers from that all too familiar ailment of ‘seeing what you want to see’.

Secondly, how the hell was I supposed to respond to that? Shake my rattle, or come out with ‘ga ga ga goo goo’ (or some other lady gaga song?!)? I responded with ‘you’re more than two decades late’, and even more depressing, was the person’s lack of wit. He replied with ‘huh?! So you’re well, babe?’ I began to pull out my hair, rent my clothes and apply ash at this point. How was a brother to be helped? To be honest, a lot of people appreciate being called baby. But if you are going to use that or any other term of endearment, you should expect an unlikely response. This is called preparedness. I once called someone ‘cookie’. This was a good friend, someone I was on familiar terms with. His response was ‘what? You’re going to eat me? Why didn’t you call me pineapple?’ I now choose wisely.

Thirdly, this gentleman is actually full of bullshit. You see, I am not completely against pet names, especially when I know people mean them. For example, if I call you diabz (Origin: madiaba- a Congolese dance style that involved vigorous booty shaking...VIGOROUS), I mean it. You have a nice arse. Or if I say sweetie, it’s probably in a condescending but desperately affectionate manner. My friends and loved ones employ the same rule with their pet names for me. Unfortunately this dude, who I’d only known a few weeks, decided to call me ‘baby’. This conjured images of a composting toilet regurgitating excrement. In fact, I am inclined to think that he had sent the same message out to many females in his address book, and unfortunately B was high up on that list otherwise known as the alphabet.

I’m all for courtship, but I think after the age of 16, there are far better ways to veil crap than in pet names. Rihanna (and the angels descend trumpeting as I make an unlikely pop reference) was on to something when she said ‘make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world’. Choose your lies wisely.