I have been riddled with a sense of impending doom and guilt, which has steadily built to a crescendo over the last few days, and now I’m walking around with an orchestra playing the theme tune to Hannibal
The impending doom is probably easiest to explain. I’ve had loads of badness in my life recently, and the badness is about to end. It may culminate in total destruction of my life as it is, or it may be completely resolved. All facts and figures point to the latter, but there’s a little devil in my head that won’t let me believe in God. I hate that little devil, and everyday I remind myself that the awesome dude up high has made up his mind and whatever it is, his decision will be good. But the little devil…
The guilt issue is far more complex. I feel guilty because I am wrong. And like every human, particularly those in possession of uteri, I hate being wrong. It riddles me with emotions that range anywhere from ‘defeated’ to ‘intense anger’, and usually, there is no clear way to fix it. It’s not as simple as apologising. No. What is required is a total overhaul of my thinking, which is more than a little frustrating. Think about it: I hate the way I am feeling, but the only way to fix it is to change everything about the way I think. WTF?! Perhaps a little context is necessary.
I like a boy. A boy likes me. We will call this boy River Jordan (RJ). He has been amazing, as in, ‘miraculously’ amazing (hence the name). He still is. We fight and he still says ‘I love you’. He understands and respects my loathing of commitment, which has had exactly the desired effect: I am committed and I love it. I know I love the boy, and he knows I love him, even though I struggle to say it. Our relationship remains blissfully undefined because we are both aware that any definition will highlight the obvious: we are massively incompatible. Our lives are taking drastically distant paths and there is no common ground (we live 8000km apart) for at least the next five years. I chose this situation because it suited my fear of commitment. One of my closest and dearest friends pointed out that I am attracted to people on different continents or in committed relationships, because I know I can’t have them. It’s not a particularly insightful observation, but hearing someone else say it every so often drives the point home.
‘What’s my problem?’ I hear you say. RJ has opened up himself to a ‘thing’ because I feel the same way. It’s been hard, and I like to believe that he has been genuine and honest. Recently however, I realised that I can’t possibly feel the same way as he does because I don’t want to change anything in my life to try and make our situation easier, or give us any future hope of being together. So I’m being a bit of a b**** by maintaining the status quo. That makes me feel terrible. I have also realised that I am wrong, and have been for the last 5 years. I swore that I hated commitment, and that I loved things as they were then. I also convinced myself that I would never change my mind. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! I have now changed my mind. I want to be in a relationship with someone that I can see more frequently than once every 6 months. I want to grow emotionally and physically with someone by my side. I still don’t see marriage or children in my immediate future, but I also realise that I am likely to change my mind! I realised all of this about 6 months’ ago, but I still let RJ happen. Not only was I lying to myself, but probably to RJ. And there is no easy way out of this. I am dreading the conversation that is about to happen (RJ knows it’s coming given his recent paranoia about us), and I worry that he’ll hate me, rightfully so. I hate me a lot right now, and realise I am probably a little crazy too. FML.
*Apologies for the capital letters used somewhat inappropriately. I didn’t want to curse openly in my blog. Such things live with you (according to the computer geeks in the most pointless film ever: the social network).
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